??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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