he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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