I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I'm passing your future prison.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
