My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize