So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize