I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
