ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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