Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
