Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Randomize
