If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
your profile still reads that you like women...interesting? I think there is some photography and video that will show otherwise
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
