guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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