My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
