Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
