Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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