who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
