Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
We're too hungover to prance.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
