he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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