Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
