Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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