a queef is a wish your heart makes.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
