i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
