guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
