Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
