just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
