I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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