: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
