I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Randomize
