think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
