If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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