Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
