Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
