just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
