So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
