I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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