You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
