So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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