Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Randomize
