Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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