she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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