Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
