i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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