I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
