It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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