im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Randomize
