I can't watch pbs sober anymore
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
