His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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