I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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