Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
