i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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