whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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