listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
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