Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
