I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Randomize
