My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
