I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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