I'm sorry my penis didn't work
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
