I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
