i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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