i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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