apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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