Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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