I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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